Should You Sue McDonalds?
By Robert Paul Reyes
Oct. 9, 2004
When you wear a thong at the beach are you mistaken for a whale with a strategically placed piece of dental floss? Do you have to wear a watch on each wrist because your hefty bulk resides in two different time zones? Have you given up wearing pants and skirts and now sport only all-purpose muumuus? Do folks always scream in panic, "Oh God, it's an earthquake," when you walk past them? Do you use a truck scale to weigh yourself? Do you tend to give directions with fast food franchises as landmarks: Take a right at the Burger King, go past the Taco Bell and then make another right at the Sonic Burger and Jim's hardware store will be right there just two doors away from McDonald's?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then you need to look at yourself in a doublewide mirror and consider what concrete steps you can take to lose some of that dead weight. But then again, dieting, exercising and consulting a physician is so hard work. It's so much easier to put down the remote for a second and call your lawyer to sue the McDonald's corporation. That evil conglomeration is worse than a drug pusher, with their Golden Arches entrenched in every neighborhood, enticing you with their supersized fries, gigantic burgers and thick delicious milkshakes.
Recently, the U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill to prevent people with lard in their bellies and dollar signs in their eyes from suing fast-food companies because they believe fast food grub makes them fat.
It is ridiculous that our congressmen are wasting time debating a bill to prevent lawsuits against fast food joints, but I guess in our litigious society it is necessary.
John Banzhaf, a professor of legal activism at George Washington University Law School who deserves much of the credit for the successful class-action lawsuits against the tobacco corporations, claims that fast food has "addictive-like" properties.
Duh, anything good or fun has "addictive-like" properties. Sex, food, TV, recreation -- all have "addictive-like" properties. What's next? Should I sue to prohibit my sexy neighbor across the street from bending over to tend her garden? Her sexy posture is making me a sex-crazed creature, and instead of taking a cold shower, I'm gonna sue her!
Americans have an addiction all right -- an addiction to suing others for problems brought on by their own irresponsible behavior. You are too lazy and too cheap to get new tires and as a direct consequence you have a blowout and wreck your car and injure yourself -- sue the tire manufacturer. You are too vain to wear your glasses and walk into a telephone poll -- sue the city.
I have a slight pot belly and it's not because Ronald McDonald kidnapped me and force fed me dozens of Big Macs, it's because I tend to supersize everything. I wish I could supersize Krispy Creme donuts. The next time that pimply kid at Burger King asks me if, "Do you want fries with that?", I should respond, "Do you want a fist sandwich pal?"
No one is coercing folks to patronize fast-food chains. Of course, fast food companies spend gazillions on TV commercials and other forms of advertising -- most large businesses with a product or service to sell do. But even a glitzy commercial doesn't force a tubby to waddle into one of these stores -- that's a personal decision. Just consider Golden Arches a gateway to tubby hell and keep on walking. In fact, keep walking for a good twenty minutes or so, that's an excellent way of losing weight and keeping in shape.
Thank Goodness that the U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill to prevent lard- butts from suing McDonald's. I don't want any shyster lawyer's wallet to get fat from a frivolous lawsuit.
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About the author Robert Paul Reyes: I am a columnist for the Lynchburg Ledger.